What Is Gaslighting?
The term gaslighting comes from an old 1944 film called Gaslight. It is a recognised form of psychological manipulation in which one person (or group of people) targets another individual in order to make them question their own memory, perception of reality or judgements they make.
The perpetrator uses tactics, such as denial, misdirection, contradiction, misinformation, to destabilize their intended target. They can also at the same time appear to be very concerned and loving towards their target to outsiders which can leave the victim further confused and isolated. The attacks are not a one off but rather a constant and consistent wearing down of the person who is under attack.
Let’s be very clear here it is abuse, the person is under attack even though some of the signs may not be so obvious to others. Gaslighting is a very insidious and hidden form of abuse which leaves the victim feeling isolated, with low self-esteem and questioning their own sanity. They need help and support to recover fully, but recovery is possible.
What Type Of People Use Gaslighting Tactics?
Anyone can use gaslighting even though most people associate it with intimate relationships and coercive control (see below). These people can include your partner, friends, family members, boss or work colleagues.
Some people may be well aware they are using gaslighting tactics and do actively seek out information so that they can manipulate others. Some personality types may be more prone to using these tactics than others. These types of people can include those who have antisocial personality disorders such as psychopaths, sociopaths or people who are narcissists.
Or other people who show these types of personality traits, although they may not be classed as having a personality disorder, can also use gaslighting tactics. For example an addict, whether active or dry, may have narcissistic traits but not be narcissists.
Others may have learnt these tactics as children as it is a common tactic used by authoritarian parents. These types of parents can see things as being absolutes or use very black and white thinking. They can use gaslighting on their children to enforce their “rules”. The child then picks these tactics up and uses them later as adults in all their relationships as they don’t understand this is not appropriate behaviour.
No matter what type of personality or whether they actively know or don’t know they are doing it, it is still completely unacceptable behaviour. They are still getting a “payoff” from their inappropriate behaviours and until they are stopped and held accountable they may not change. We could also argue that some, even when caught, will not change at all.
What Are The Signs Of Gaslighting?
- Tell blatant lies, you know they are lying and they do it to your face. This will set a precedent for later and keep you guessing. You won’t know what the lies are and what the truth is.
- Denial that they ever said something, even though you have proof.
- You start to constantly question your reality and start accepting theirs.
- The use of what is near and dear to you as ammunition. They’ll have a long list of your faults; attack your children/child care skills and your identity.
- They wear you down over time. Gaslighting isn’t a one off or a onetime big attack, it’s gradual and constant.
- Their actions do not match their words.
- Positive reinforcement is used to confuse you. So criticism won’t be their only tool even praise will be added so as to keep you unsure if they are really all bad.
- They know confusion weakens people; you’ll begin to question everything and everyone. They’ll do this to make you more reliant on them as you feel unstable.
- Projection of their own behaviour on to you; if they are cheating they’ll accuse you of cheating to distract you from what they are doing.
Some more signs
- They try to align people against you. They really are master manipulators, they will get people on their side and they’ll use them against you. They may tell you that friends, family, colleagues said things about you but in reality they may not have said anything. The abuser is a master liar after all and this helps them to isolate you further giving them more control over you.
- Telling you, or others, that you are crazy, it’s a great way to isolate you more and when you decide to leave or ask for help others won’t believe you.
- They tell you everyone else is a liar and you question reality and your relationships with other friends, family or colleagues.
- We can begin to wonder if we are too sensitive.
- You start to struggle to make decisions, you feel you always make bad choices.
- Thinking you do everything wrong.
- Feeling and thinking you are not good enough.
- Creating excuses for them with others.
- You feel unhappy for no reason.
- There is a loss of self-confidence/esteem.
What Are The Effects Of Gaslighting On An Individual?
Intimate relationships that have gaslighting tactics being used in them are domestic violent ones. Let me repeat that, this is domestic violence. Most people only think of domestic violence in terms of physical abuse but it involves so much more. A lot of what goes on is in fact hidden.
It may be very hard to break away from this type of relationship safely and safety has to be our main concern here. I talk more about how the law is changing to help you below and national groups you can reach out to for help here. But I also talk more about domestic violence and creating a safety plan to leave in more detail in my two part blog on domestic violence.
Not just intimate relationships
Remember though it is not just intimate relationships that can have gaslighting going on within them. Other family members, friends and work colleagues can all use gaslighting tactics with someone. We need to recognize and acknowledge that this type of behaviour can go on in these relationships also if we are to change and protect ourselves.
All relationships are built on trust and when manipulation and lies are used that trust can simple dissolve. It is impossible with this type of relationship to regain that trust again. But there is also another form of trust that is eroded also.
Our trust in ourselves, this can be for a number of reasons including initially our denial at what we are experiencing. We may not at first even realize what is happening to us. Then when we leave the relationship we are filled with self-doubts, low self-esteem, etc., because this person has us questioning our own minds and the reality around us.
It is very common for victims to continue to be in denial and to defend the behaviour of the perpetrator even after the relationship (no matter the type of relationship) has ended. This type of person can seem so caring and charming that even others – family and friends – may deny that this person could have acted in such a manner towards you. This will continue to feed into the victims uncertainty of what happened. This is why it is vital that you are surrounded by positive supporters once you leave.
Recovery And Getting Help After Gaslighting.
Remember recover is possible but you will need to safely leave this relationship first. We need to feel safe in order for healing to begin. So please reach out to one of the supports below if you need to or start with a trusted friend or family member.
Therapy is going to be important in helping you with recovery. Learning to understand and identify the perpetrator’s behavior patterns are an important first step in recovery. Handing back those behaviours to the person responsible and letting go of the shame and guilt you may have taken on afterwards is also vital.
It is critical that if you have suffered from gaslighting that you get help and surround yourself with a strong positive support system. Through therapy you will regain your lost self-confidence and learn to trust yourself, and others, again.
Highlight: What is coercive control in an intimate relationship?
Coercive control is a type of abuse and is associated with emotional abuse. Coercive control is when a person uses ‘coercion’ or manipulation to control someone. This type of manipulation aims to make someone dependant on the abuser, isolated from others, afraid to leave the relationship or speak out, and to restrict their behaviour and freedom. Coercive control is very common feature in abusive relationships.
Coercive control is often invisible to outsiders, they simply don’t see the abuser hurt or threaten you or they don’t understand that this is a form of abuse and domestic violence. The law is only now beginning to change around this (Domestic Violence Act 2018); in Ireland. It is now a criminal offence for a spouse, civil partner or intimate partner to use coercive control against their spouse or partner.
Coercive control can leave the person being abused feeling like they are constantly walk on egg shells, fearful, confused and trying to please their abuser. If they try to leave the abuser will commonly threaten to hurt themselves or others known to the victim. This sense of fear and confusion can deprive someone of their autonomy, sense of self, health, rights, and quality of life. Coercive control just like all forms of abuse is very damaging to a person’s self worth and self esteem.
If You Need Support For Domestic Violence Please Call The Following Supports
UK Supports For Domestic Violence
National Domestic Violence Helpline 0808 2000 247
Refuge 0808 2000 247
Men’s Advice Line, for male DV survivors 0808 801 0327
The Mix, info & support under 25s 0808 808 4994
National LGBT+ DV 0800 999 5428
Samaritans 116 123
Ireland Supports For Domestic Violence
Women’s Aid 1800 341 900
Men’s Aid 01 554 3811
LGBTQ+ 1890 929 539
Childline 1800 666 666 TXT 50101
Samaritans 116 123
Support for children & parents
Childline Ireland 1800 666 666 TXT 50101https://www.childline.ie/
Childline UK 0800 1111 https://www.childline.org.uk/
Barnardos Ireland Parents helpline 1800 910 123 https://www.barnardos.ie/
The Mix, Under 25’s UK 0808 808 4994 https://www.themix.org.uk/
Barnardos UK Parents & young carers helpline 0808 801 0331 https://www.barnardos.org.uk/get-help
Websites For Domestic Violence Information & Support Including Staying safe online
UK for women https://www.womensaid.org.uk/
Uk for women https://www.refuge.org.uk/
Ireland for women https://www.womensaid.ie/
UK for men https://mensadviceline.org.uk/
Ireland for men https://www.mensaid.ie/
LGBTQ+ Ireland https://lgbt.ie/
Childline Ireland 1800 666 666 TXT 50101
Childline UK 0800 1111 https://www.childline.org.uk/
Barnardos Ireland Parents helpline 1800 910 123 https://www.barnardos.ie/
Barnardos UK Parents & young carers helpline 0808 801 0331 https://www.barnardos.org.uk/get-help
Work With Me.
Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.
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