I discussed codependent behaviours last week. Part of these behaviours can involve shoving down and not listening to our feelings, particularly those of fear and guilt. Plus we tend to ignore our own gut instinct and all that means we do enable others and their behaviours.

Our Emotions Can Keep Us Stuck Enabling Others.

What that means is that our emotions can keep us stuck in a never ending negative cycle. We become afraid that if we don’t intervene something awful will happen to the person. We feel sick to our stomach, our heart pounds and we become terrified. So we rush in to the rescue at the least little thing.

We think that our own health, well-being, work and personal life is nothing compared to what this person needs. We begin to focus more and more on their life, health and well-being.  After all their problems are so much more important than what we could be going through.

We are after all the only person who can help. Who else has the love, patience and understanding this person needs?  So we do love them more, care for them more, have more patience and understanding. All the while ignoring our own mental and physical health issues, such as the lack of sleep or the increased stress and anxiety.

The only thing that seems to matter is getting the other person better. We become obsessed with their behaviours and set unrealistic expectations on them and more importantly on ourselves.

At Some Point We Will Have A Crisis.

Because we have ignored ourselves – our mental and physical health – we will start to feel the effects. This can take months or even years depending upon what you have been dealing with.

You may have dealt with crisis after crisis for years, especially if it’s a family member. Or perhaps you have been the “go to person” for everyone. It doesn’t matter how long you have enabled others, at some point something will give and you will have your own crisis. And the kicker is… the very people you have enabled will not be there for you, they will have someone there to replace you.

These people will have someone who will listen to their life problems and offer them advice that they will be ignored just like they did to you. Someone new will enable them to continue living their lives the way they want to. This is usually with addiction, and will help pick up the pieces when it all comes crashing down again.

If we wish to prevent our own crisis happening then we have to stop and take stock of what is going on. We need to recognize and validate what we are going through with this person. We need to ask ourselves what has led us to this behaviour of enabling another.

Recognizing that we may be dealing with people who have very unhealthy patterns of behaviour is next. We need to recognize that we may not be the best person to help them. That what is going on requires professional support that only the person can get for themselves. We may have to walk away or distance ourselves enough to get help ourselves.

As Enablers We Need To Learn To Put Our Self First.

Distancing ourselves from the person we have enabled allows us to get support and do some self-help also. We need to figure out what is next for us and we can no longer ignore any symptoms that we may be suffering – physically or mentally.

It’s time to look after ourselves properly, maybe for the first time in our lives. We need to live in a healthier environment if possible. And I do recognize this isn’t always possible at first.

This is some place where we can put our own basic needs first. These basic include things such as:

1. Getting regular sleep. So we can function properly. A lack of sleep will leave us with brain fog and other issues.
2. Getting back to a healthier way of eating and exercise.
3. Talking things through with a therapist. So that we can learn to set reasonable expectations on our self and learn to re-establish our trust and boundaries.
4. Journaling to validate our thoughts and emotions. Plus to learn our pattern of behaviour so we can change it where necessary.
5. Surrounding ourselves with a positive support system, as enabling another can be very isolating and lonely.

Beware Negative People Who Are In Your Life.

The person we are enabling can be very toxic to us. Dealing with negative people, especially adult family members can be very trying. We all probably have friends, family members or colleagues who: badger us, are overbearing, bullying, nagging, controlling, manipulating, nit-picking, gossipy, frustrating and angry.

These people can have other issues such as alcohol, drug or gambling issues. Their negative patterns of behaviour and skewed boundaries can take over our lives also. If you feel you are dealing with someone who has an addiction the best way to deal with this is to get professional help for yourself. I know that can be hard to accept.

It is okay to help another person. But it is vital that it is only done so if we are taking care of ourselves first and setting healthy boundaries. If not, we are only hurting ourselves and others by continuing to enable them.

Work With Me.

Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.