Please note that the previous blogs in this series already give you some techniques that you will find useful here. I didn’t want to repeat them below but check them out (Week 1 Week 2) for more details.

How To Deal With The Negative Mindset.

To help you dealing with, and help teens deal with, negativity we need to look at teens negative mindset and where it comes from.

It’s All About Their Brain.

Remember we spoke last week about anger and about the teen brain. How they think differently when it comes to emotions and thought patterns. Well we need to always keep this in mind when talking about negativity too.

They’re trying to grow up, so their old interests, activities and entertainment are no longer going to be enough. It no longer satisfies them as they want to be defined and treated as an adult. Plus as they grow they will naturally develop different interests, friends and activities. The basis for the negative mindset is centred around this idea of this early adolescent’s rejection of themselves as a child.

A Little Self-Rejection Along The Way.

This self-rejection is costly because they can’t reject the child they were without rejecting part of themselves. We have to understand that this hurts until more self-redefinition has been accomplished. This self-redefinition happens when the insecure, and dissatisfied, new teenager finally becomes a more confident and content adult.

One way in which they manage this self-rejection is to become critical of others, particularly at home. Parents need to realise that this is a coping mechanism and nothing more. That is not to say you should excuse bad behaviour, you shouldn’t excuse any bad behaviour. But when we realise what is going on we can manage our own responses better as parents.

That Old Feeling Of Boredom Kicks In.

Another point I’d make here is that feeling bored will become the new norm. As they don’t know what they need to fill the place of these activities, hobbies and entertainment that kept them so amused. So they fill it with being discontent.

Feeling bored shouldn’t be trivialized as it also represents the new loneliness they feel. Their inability to feel connected with themselves, with others, their community and their world. They really do feel disengaged, undirected and at a loose end and when it comes to motivation they will feel like they are running on empty.

They Need You And Your Reassurance. 

By understanding this negative mindset, you can reassure them it’s normal. It’s part of their body changing as much as their growth spurts and hormones are. They need to know you love them, they are normal and that it is a safe environment in which they live, in order to express how they feel to you.

By understanding this mindset and modelling good emotional expression management (see below) you are setting them up for life in terms of healthy mental health.

Negative Emotions Are Impossible To Avoid.

Everyone feels negative emotions from time to time. Obviously we try to avoid them as they may be difficult, but we can learn to handle them.

No emotion is ever negative or positive it is how we respond that makes it so. All emotions serve a purpose in our lives. How we model negative emotions and negative mindset as parents, is how it will be modelled in our children and teens. So what can you do to model good management of negative emotions?

They Need To Learn How To Identify The Emotion.

Learn to notice and identify your feelings. This takes practice and the best way is to meditate. Teaching your child to meditate is one of the best tools you can give them for later life. While meditation will help calm you it also helps you to slow down your thoughts and increases your ability to recognise your emotions and the thought patterns going on around those emotions.

In addition to focusing on your feelings, check in with different parts of your body too. We often feel stress in our shoulders for example or our gut. You may also feel body sensations with certain emotions. Perhaps your face gets hot or you’ve noticed you grind your teeth in your sleep.

• Be aware of how you feel. When you have a negative emotion, name it i.e. I’m mad, sad, jealous, afraid.
• Never hide how you feel from yourself. You might not want to broadcast your feelings to other people but don’t suppress your feelings entirely. Simply by naming the feeling and being willing to explore your feelings is a great first step. If a child isn’t used to naming a feeling it can be hard for them to name and recognise it. They need to learn this in order to respond better.
• Know why you feel the way you do. Figure out what happened that got you feeling the way you do. This may be better learnt as a reflective exercise at the start. You simply reflect on what happened before your felt how you felt. Keeping a journal of these might also help as you to begin to see a pattern around a particular emotion.
• Don’t blame, realise your feelings are there to help you make sense of what’s going on. Being able to recognize and explain your emotions isn’t the same as blaming someone or something for the way you feel. How you feel when these things happen comes from inside you, not from someone else.
• Accept all your emotions as natural and understandable. Never judge yourself for the emotions you feel. It’s normal to feel them, simply acknowledging how you feel can help you move on.

They Need To Learn How To Take Appropriate Action.

Once they understand and have processed what they’re feeling, they can decide if they need to express this emotion. Sometimes it can be enough for them to just realize how they feel. But other times they’ll want to do something to feel better.

• Think about the best way to express the emotion. Is this a time when you need to gently confront someone else? Talk about what you’re feeling with a friend? Or work off the feeling by going for a run, punching a bag, crying into a pillow etc?

You, as the parent, will need to give your teen a list of suggestions of appropriate response here. If you need to ask them to talk it through with you or with another trusted adult or friend before they respond. This can help them explore their emotions and give them a fresh way of thinking about things. And nothing helps you feel more understood and cared for than the support of someone who loves you for who you are.  

Getting physically activite helps the brain produce natural chemicals that promote a positive mood. Exercise also can release stress build-up and help you from staying stuck on negative feelings. So think about ways you can encourage exercise even for those who aren’t sports-minded. A simple walk will do wonders.

• Learn how to change your mood. At a certain point, you’ll want to shift from a negative mood into a positive one. Otherwise, your thinking may get stuck on how bad things are, and that can drag you down into feeling worse. Try doing things that make you happy, even if you don’t feel like it at the time. Having a self-care toolkit can help here.
• Build positive emotions. Positive feelings create a sense of happiness and well-being, they need to be banked into a daily positivity bank account. Make it a habit to notice and focus on what’s good in your life and journal a list of at least 3 things you’re grateful for in your daily life. Keep a positive comments jar or have positive affirmations/quotes around your bedroom. Noticing the good things even when you’re feeling bad can help you shift the emotional balance from negative to positive.

Get Help With Difficult Emotions For Your Teen.

Sometimes, no matter what you do, teens can’t shake a tough emotion. If you find they are stuck in feelings of sadness or worry for more than a few weeks, or if you feel they are so upset that you think they might hurt themselves or other people, then they may need extra help.

Talk to your GP or main doctor. Also talk to their year head and the school counsellor to find out how things are going in school. Talk to their friends or their friend’s families to see what’s going on. Or pick up the phone and enquire with a therapist if they feel your child/teen needs therapy. Never wait with a teen or child if you think they need help. Remember you can always self-refer to a psychologist.

Work With Me

Remember you are allowed to ask for support as a parent also. No parent is an island and you don’t have to do this alone.

If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.