What Is Under Parenting?

Under parenting can be described as inadequately parenting of a child. Being under parented can be a complex and subjective experience for those who have experienced it. Everyone affected will be left emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually scared by their personal experience. But how and why does under parenting happen?

What Are Some Of The Reasons Under Parenting Happens?

There are many reasons why we may have been under parented. Some of those can be easier to understand than others. Some might even say you should just get on with life and let things go. But that is easier said than done. We have to remember this is such a complex and subjectively personal experience for anyone and as such we need support and an understanding of why it may have happened.

Some of the reasons for under parenting can include but are not limited to:

1. Though the death of a parent(s)
2. Divorce of parent with one parent physically leaving
3. Estrangement from a parent for any reason
4. Abandonment by a parent
5. Mental health issues in a parent
6. Parents addictions
7. Your parent’s parenting style

It really doesn’t matter how or why it happened, it did happen to you. No one person’s experience is greater or lesser than another’s. The fact is you didn’t receive the nurturing, protection, and guidance you needed as a child and this may have impacted you as an adult.

How Does Under Parenting Impact Us As Adults?

There are a number of affects that can impact us as adults. If you have been under parented you may have some or all of the following. The following list is not conclusive:

1. Higher risk of developing self-esteem problems
2. Hostile and aggressive behaviour
3. Avoiding blame or taking responsibility
4. Higher risk for developing mental health problems including addiction,
5. Have struggled academically and in their career
6. Inability to express their own opinions
7. Trust, intimacy and boundary issues
8. Have higher risks of anxiety, fear and stress
9. Issues with co-dependency, perfectionism, procrastination
10. Have an issue with excessive shame and guilt
11. Possible PTSD

How Can We Help Ourselves As Adults?

As I always say the first thing we need is to raise our awareness. In this case, to the fact that we were under parented and how it has impacting us as an adult. For this reason we need the support of a trained therapist.

Any issues you may have will need specialist tailored support. These can include counseling for the grief you are going through and to learn to re-parent yourself. Plus other issues regarding trust, intimacy, boundaries issues. Help dealing with any other issues such as stress, anger, fear, shame, guilt, and anxiety.

Treatment programs may also be required, and/or group support, for any substance abuse or eating disorder issues you may have developed.

There may be a lot of good that came from your childhood but you may still need support. It isn’t until a crisis happens that we realize something is wrong. Or we admit we have a mental health or substance abuse issue that we reach out for support with.

Please don’t wait that long, reach out for help as soon as possible. Reaching out is one of the first steps in taking responsibility for ourselves in a healthy manner.

You Can Do Some Things To Help Yourself.

But these should be done in conjunction with therapy also.

1. See your GP or main doctor for any help you need with any physical health issues. Because of what happened to you, you may ignore your own physical health. They can be an important first port of call and support in changing your life around. Remember all change need a positive support system and your main doctor is part of this support.
2. Make sure you start to set boundarieswith yourself as much as with others. You will have to face conflict and deal with negative people and thinking. You can do this and it can be made easier with support of your therapist. Start surrounding yourself with a positive support system. If you click on the links highlighted they will get you started with some of these issues. All the links will give you further tips you can try.
3. Have some compassionfor yourself, you are doing the best you can with the tools you were given. You are capable of making the changes you need and learning new ways of coping. Start to build your self-confidence and trust in yourself. Again if you click on the links they will provide you with specific steps you can take here.
4. Make sure you are looking after yourself in a healthy manner. That means you need to take responsibility for your own basic self-care, time-managementand follow through on commitments.

Above all take your time. Being under parented can leave us with many issues we need to face. But with support you can make the changes you want in your life. Giving yourself time, patience and love is very important here as you may not have had people in your childhood who gave those to you. It is important for your recovery that you give these to yourself now.

Work With Me.

If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.