With an increasing busy schedule we can find ourselves with very little time for our relationships or ourselves. Social connections that we all need go by the wayside and before we know it months have passed before we really reconnect with someone we love. We have become ships passing in the night on the never ending hamster wheel we have made our life.

Taking time for self-care has a feeling of impossibility about it with our ever increasing stress load. For some we may feel exhausted even before we get out of bed in the morning. We may not have the energy to connect as a couple or with family and friends properly anymore.

Something has got to give and if we don’t invest in some basic self-care first it will be our mental and physical health. But the ripple effect can also mean our relationships are suffering also so they may give too.

Recognising Our Boundaries Can Help Our Relationship.

Taking some time for ourselves is an important factor in setting healthy boundaries with ourselves and in our relationships. It is also a vital component in helping us adopt a healthier lifestyle.

We all need 20 minutes minimum each day to recharge our mind, body and spirit. Most mums will tell you that getting into a bathroom alone for 5 minutes can seem like an impossible feat some days never mind a full 20 minutes of alone time.

But do you recognise the following healthy boundaries as also acts of self-care?

Some Boundaries We Need To Be Aware Of That Are Also Acts Of Self-Care.

Asking for what we want and need from those around us including some time alone or time for some personal self-care. It can also mean asking for date nights so you can reconnect as a couple. Or booking a babysitter so you can have some alone time for yourself or as a couple.

Are you comfortable being able to say no? Perhaps this is to the extra tasks in either work or with extended family and friends. That includes saying no so you can have time for your basic self-care first and to have time as a couple or as a family.

Making choices based on your values and beliefs and that includes valuing and believing in yourself first and foremost. The basis of this will probably tie everything in this list together for you.

Do you feel safe and validated when expressing you emotions? You should do, particularly in an intimate relationship. That means if you need time alone to deal with these then you can take it. Or if you need support from someone while expressing your emotions and feelings that you know your partner will be there to support you.

Do you realize that your happiness is your responsibility? Plus that we are not responsible for making anyone else happy. When we know that we begin to recognise that it’s okay to drop the perfectionism and people pleasing. That it is okay to do things for ourselves that make us happy first.

We can become comfortable with disagreeing and recognising that we have a right to have a differing opinion to another person. Then we can also recognise we don’t have to put up with someone belittling us, attempting to shut us up, etc., in anyway either.

Become comfortable with our feelings, thoughts and recognising we can also change our mind at any time. So that means we recognise that we don’t have to criticise or judge our feelings or thoughts. We can act in kind and compassion ways towards ourselves.

Doing any one of the above will help you set a boundary and get some much needed self-care. But it will also have the ripple effect on to our relationships. We’ll feel more empowered, refreshed, more connected and confident in ourselves and with others.

Tips To Help You Get Some Self-Care In Your Relationship.

When we are so busy we don’t have time for self-care and probably not some self-care in our relationships. But what about combining them both? What are some small ways we can reconnect as a couple and still get in some self-care?

Try to focus your attention on building back up the relationship particularly if you have been absent (physically or mentally). That might mean taking time for an initial honest conversation between you both. Or you might need to make the effort to get the ball rolling between you first. Try to avoid the words “we need to talk” it naturally puts the other person on the defensive.

So what can you do if you don’t have much time?

Think 15 minutes a day broken up in to 5 minute slots over the course of the day firstly. Then focus on connecting the three brains: the heart, the mind, the gut. So that’s at least 5 minutes for each of them.

We can think of the heart and gut as a combination if you wish but only in terms of physical fitness. Remember also that between 80 to 90% of the information our brain takes in comes from the gut as does 90% of your serotonin. Your central nervous system is like a super highway in your body connecting our gut, mind and heart. So it’s important we make sure that connection is fully open.

Meditate Together.

Don’t knock this one before you try it. Great for the body and the mind and it’ll only take you 3 minutes once a day. So while waiting for the coffee or kettle to boil simply meditate. Or last thing at night in bed. You don’t have to wait for your partner to join in but if you explain how it’s helping you then you might find them quietly joining in.

If you have kids you can get them to join in also. Yes the teens might be put off at first. But if you explain how it will benefit them then they might just join in. Or ignore you and leave you in peace to get on with it. Some teens are great at getting younger siblings to leave you alone while you meditate also.

Schedule Together.

Yes I literally mean do your weekly or daily schedule, try to do this together. Or you can use a nightly brain dump either, great for helping you sleep better. Make sure you are scheduling in time for each other and time so one can babysit so the other has some personal self-care time.

We tend to let things slip, particularly in a relationship, when we start to not make it a priority. So get it back on the books. Compliancy is a big issue for relationships and unfortunately it’s our brain’s fault. We get use to things and when we do that we get complacent.

Taking 5 minutes to schedule time in for each other during the week will help. It’ll show our brain and our partner that we are making them a priority again. So our brain will start to pay more attention to that area of our life also.

Make Time To Have A Chat.

Make sure you get to talk with one another at least once a day for 5 minutes. This can be over a cup of tea or glass of something. Or you can combine it with a walk after dinner or if you are working from home at lunch-time. It can even be while you’re washing your teeth.

Leave your phones off until after breakfast. Most people can spend hours over the course of the day on social media yet they cannot talk to the person opposite them. Turn off the notification and use that time before breakfast or after the dinner to talk to one another.

Good effective communication is central to a healthy relationship. So many problems can be staved off if a couple just talked more.

Watch How You Speak To Yourself And Each Other.

This brings me to another point. As couples we can focus on what are partner doesn’t do for us rather than all they do. Make sure you check the self-talk and show some gratitude for the people in your life.

The act of gratitude can make all the difference to our mental and physical health and it only takes a couple of minutes each day. A simple “thank you” or “I appreciate you doing that” takes a second and could again make all the difference to your relationship. Take the time to stop and listen to what you are saying to one another.

Exercise Together

Okay so this might take longer than 5 minutes. But if you are combining all three brains then 10 to 15 minute daily walks will cover them all. You’ll also have some alone time, maybe, but dragging the kids along after dinner will also help tire them out for bed. So that’s another benefit.

If you work close by each other taking a class together at lunch-time or straight after work can also help here. It’s working on your own mental and physical health, reducing your stress levels and helping to build your connection with one another.

A simple 3 minutes of exercise and another one that builds a connection is to put on one of your old favourite songs and dance to it. Yes the kids will think you’re crazy at first but hopefully it’ll bring up some great memories too. This is also a great way to break the ice or the tension by the way.

These are just some of the ways to incorporate self-care into your relationship each day. I’m sure you can come up with many more. I talk more about self-care in my book The Building Blocks Of Self-Care.

Work With Me.

Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.