Anyone who has ever had a long-term relationship will tell you that it’s one hard work and two it goes through cycles. But what most don’t know is that research shows us that relationships have 5 stages they go through. Sometimes you might see these stages broken down further to show what happens inside each one or to add a sixth stage at the beginning.

What Are The 5 Stages Of A Long-Term Relationship?

The 5 stages of a relationship are Merge, Doubt and Denial, Disillusionment, Decision and Wholehearted Love. Don’t think of these stages as a series of steps you go through as a couple but rather an eternal cycle throughout the length of the long-term relationship.

It may become apparent as you go though these stages in your relationship that you can find yourselves stuck in one particular stage and that may have unfortunate consequences for the relationship. But when we become more aware of these stages, and their possible problems, we can move on to the next stage. This may mean a little self-help or professional help when needed.

There is no point in trying to circumvent the stages either. Of course if we have worked hard on our relationship to move into fifth stage, wholehearted love, we don’t want to contemplate going back to the start again. But we have to remember although you will eventually find your way back into the different stages you have learnt so much together also. As a couple you can move through the stages together again even more strongly than the last time.

Stages Of A Long-Term Relationships.

Stage 1: Merge

The first stage of any relationship is the Merge, aka the honeymoon stage or the romance stage. Some people may go on to have a long-term relationship. Others will split up towards the end of this stage. It can last anywhere from two weeks to two years.

The merge is where we have that initial attraction, get to know each other and move things on to something more serious. Our brain helps us along by releasing a cocktail of hormones that help maintain the attraction such as dopamine, oxytocin, etc.

In this part of the relationship we feel that all consuming love, joy and can be fueled by passionate sex.  We can only see what we have in common or similar and we may want to spend all our time with that person.

Our boundaries can seem to melt away also and we are eager to merge together as a couple. We most likely ignore the incompatibilities, red flags and other issues that others may be all too aware of.

How can you help yourself in this stage?

Enjoy this stage, all the dating and getting to know each other parts. But also try to take your time here too. Take a step back if you can, speak to those you trust especially if they are highlighting any red flags. Get to really know this person as best you can. Really actively question whether this person really is the best match for you.

I know it may be hard but go slowly and don’t jump in to any big decisions before you get to know everything you can about the person you are dating. This stage as I said gets our brain to release a chemical cocktail which can have us putting on the rose tinted glasses and fogging our brains. It may be just infatuation you are feeling at first and only when you get to know the person can you make any bigger decisions such as marriage, children or moving in together.

Remember infatuation will fade relatively quickly. Try to look at what you want from the relationship? Make sure you are asking this person some important questions over the first few months together so you can make the best decision for you.

I’ve listed some question in this in my blog on premarital counseling but some you could start with are:

1. What are your deal breakers or red flags?
2. Has this person crossed your boundaries?
3. What have you learnt from your previous relationships, are you repeating a pattern here?

If nothing else get honest with yourself. It can be a temptation for us to omit things about the person or push any nagging thoughts aside as a means of protecting ourselves here. But we are really only setting ourselves up for further problems later on.

We move onto the next stage when the relationship, or one person in the relationship feels, something has become more permanent about the relationship. This may be anything that symbolizes a permanence for you as a couple such as dating meeting the parents/kids, moving in together, getting pregnant, engaged or married.

Stage 2: Doubt and Denial

This stage is the wake up stage. We begin to see the differences between us as a couple. Some of the stuff we thought were perfect, or we were in denial about, have now begun to annoy or irate us.

The power struggles begin between the couple and disappointments can escalate. Depending on our life experiences and personality we may trigger our fight, flight, fright response. We may want to fight for our values, needs and wants to be met and this can in some cases translate into a need to be right all the time. Or we may feel we need to get out of the relationship.

These can of course have nothing to do with the present relationship as we can repeat our stories from previous relationships until we have dealt with them properly.

How can you help yourself in this stage?

If you haven’t been honest with yourself up to now it’s time to get some. Know if the differences are going to be a major problem for you going forward. Don’t settle or put up with bad behaviour either.

In saying that remember that all relationships have their ups and downs, power struggles and arguments are a normal part of any relationship. It doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship is doomed to failure.

It is how you communicate with one another is going to be key to the endurance of your relationship. Being able to be open, honest and treating each other with respect and trust is vital to the success of your relationship.

One way you can help your relationship as a couple is to learn how to communicate effectively and to identify what is a healthy disagreement or an unhealthy means of trying to control each other.

If you are having problems with this then asking for help now in the form of couples therapy can help you grow together as a couple and as an individual. If you recognize that you haven’t dealt with previous traumatic life experiences then working with a therapist now could help you and your relationship.

Stage 3: Disillusionment

The third stage can for some couples be the end of the relationship. Anything that we have not dealt with, anything we tried to shove under the carpet, will start to break out.

In this stage fighting can become the only way couples can communicate with one another. For others they quietly move apart from one another. But for some they see this as a sign things need to change and they begin to work on it together or with the help of a therapist.

During the merge stage our brain only saw the positives about someone else. This helped us get close and avoids anything that might bring conflict. But now the brain switches track and starts to focus on the negatives more. Unfortunately things that are going right may be ignored for what is going wrong.

How can you help yourself in this stage?

It’s time to be honest with each other and admit if you have problems. These don’t mean your relationship is at an end, it just means you need to work together to build a stronger relationship. So ask for help if you need it sooner rather than later and don’t allow things to fester.

Stop shoving things under the carpet, be honest. You also need to create some gratitude, a simple but effective one that is always overlooked. Gratitude will start to help you see the things that are going right for your relationship and for you.

All too often this stage can coincide with other pressures a couple has on them such as job, house, finances, family issues, children, etc. We can get so caught up in all the other stresses that we fail to nurture ourselves and our relationship. It can seem pretty lonely at times when all you want to do is argue as well.

Again having effective communication is going to help you both here.

1. Can you be angry about what has happened but still be compassionate, loving and kind towards yourself and your partner?
2. Are you being open and honest with one another or hiding stuff, being disrespectful instead?

Hiding things, being disrespectful or untruthful is a slippery slope for any relationship but if you are honest and seek help you can still recover your relationship.

Affection between you both, date nights and some gratitude for everything the other person is doing is going to help also here.

Stage 4: Decision

This fourth stage can also be known as the breaking point. During this stage couples will look to stay away from a home after fights, become more remote or indifferent towards one another. Affairs many have started and self-protective behaviours are evident.

At this stage couples are seriously contemplating leaving the relationship or making plans to do so. Of course people may also opt to do nothing despite how miserable they are. They may also try to work on the relationship and if you can this will bring you into a much healthier relationship in stage 5.

How can you help yourself in this stage?

This is one stage where couples can get stuck for years. Problems are not faced, things are left unsaid or to fester and they have built over the years. Learning to be honest with yourself and to look at your role in the downturn of the relationship is important but very hard.

Some chose to break up as the work to make a go of things seems too hard. That is not to say that there are times when we have forgiven time and time again and taken the other person back only to have it thrown in our face. I would still encourage you to get your own therapy though before making any life altering decisions.

If we make the decision though to make some real changes together then years of estrangement and resentments can be worked out. But it does take both of you to work on this for it to work.

Effective communication can be learnt. Responsibility or ownerships of our part accepted. Accepting the other person’s differences plus starting to see their strengths and all they do for you and the relationship. Learning how to restore the trust, respect and deal with conflict better will all help you both reach lasting change. This will also deepen and grow the relationship and you in the process.

Stage 5: Wholehearted Love

In this stage we have realized that there is no such thing as a perfect match. Couples are finding a deeper connection with each other and perhaps a balanced life. They have done the hard work that the previous stages bring and are more accepting of each other and themselves.

In this stage couples are often more relaxed and the passion has been reignited between them. They are more likely to use effective communication with one another than the previous attacking/defending stance. Couples often speak about this stage as the falling in love again stage.

Unfortunately we can fall into the trap of taking each other for granted plus think that the work is completed. We can get lazy about the emotional connection we have built and all the hard work. So complacency has to be guarded against.

How can you help yourself in this stage?

Couples that have reached this stage know they have to nourish themselves. They also know they have to maintaining their individual boundaries. Plus work together on their relationship. They bring flexibility, understanding, resilience, mutual respect and humour to the mix.

Making your own self-care and growth a goal of the relationship is important here.

Remember that this process is a cyclical one not linear. But you have gained so much as a person and a couple. So no matter what the future holds you can work together to make the relationship work.

Work With Me.

Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.