What Is Personal Development?

Many years ago in an effort to learn to “look after myself” I took a course labeled personal development. I had been told that this would help me learn the necessities of looking after myself on top of mindfulness. But what was personal development and what did it have to do with “looking after myself” anyway?

Well it wasn’t  what I thought at the time, but it all made perfect sense in the end.  It helped me understand more about myself, my thinking patterns and about other’s behaviour. It was run over a number of weeks and included the following:

1 Change: what is it?

Change doesn’t happen overnight, it takes time and effort and involves a few different stages. A very brief overview of what happens in change is:

Stage 1: Status quo – Nothing has happened yet, but you may perceive a need to change something but not sure of what.

Stage 2: Foreign Element – An awareness of a problem arises and you feel the need to change it, maybe because of a difficulty that has arisen in your life.

Stage 3: Chaos – You can arrive in this stage and feel lost, out of control or helpless/hopeless, you’ve hit a wall of sorts.

Stage 4: New Options – You can now see something to help you and you pick yourself up, develop a better understanding of what happened and learn new ways of coping.

Stage 5: Practice – As it says you practice, practice, practice, your new way of coping, this helps reinforce it in your life.

Stage 6: Integration – New methods of coping are no longer new, but are a way of life. You feel comfortable using them and a new status quo has been established.

2 Behaviour Types

There are basically four types of different behaviour:

1. Passivity (passive, doormat) This type of behaviour is classified by some of the following traits:

• people pleasing – no matter what our needs are we will have an overriding need to please and help others while our own needs are not being met.
• low self-esteem which is briefly bolstered by the people pleasing.
• feelings of powerlessness and an inability to take control of our lives.

2. Direct Aggression (aggressive , bully) This behaviour stems from the need to win at all cost. It may be confused with assertive behaviour which it is most definitely not. Compromise is impossible, as thoughts of losing is a big no. Confrontation may become physical or/and verbal.

3. Indirect Aggressive (passive-aggressive, martyr, manipulator) This type of behaviour often results from being raised within an openly direct aggressive home, where one or both parents carried on in this manner. Being indirect aggressive though can be equally as abusive as direct aggressive. It is harder to confront as they use guilt, sarcasm and put downs to manipulate people into doing what they want them to do. There is no direct expression in terms of feelings or thoughts, but they also experience low self-esteem within themselves.

4. Assertion (assertive, fair and square) This behaviour is used where you feel good about yourself.  Expressing your feelings and standing up for yourself. You know making suggestions is okay and refusing anything is also okay. You can disagree when you want to and complaining when you need to without fear or aggression. You will apologize when it is right to do so. You are able to request explanations when required from others.

So when you read the above list of behaviour types which one are you? Have a think about it.

3 Self talk/Positive thinking/Negative thinking

Understanding how we talk to ourselves and what is the basis of our thinking is so important to not just recovery, but to our ability to deal with life and have good self-esteem.

Self talk is automatic for most, as is a lack of awareness of our thinking patterns. It can go by unnoticed but it is largely responsible for how we feel, think and act everyday.

Negative self-talk is usually someone else’s tape is running  through our heads, often from childhood. We need to overwrite it and replace it with something more positive and more truthful about ourselves. It usualy goes hand in hand with negative thinking. How do we change this, by examining our way of thinking and using affirmations (positive self-talk and thinking).

Negative thinking is distorted, irrational, unhelpful and learned from someone else. It can therefore be unlearned. There are 4 types of negative thinkers:

1. The Worrier – always imagining the worst possible case scenario.
2. The Critic is constantly judging themselves and putting themselves down.
3. The Perfectionist always thinking they’re not good enough, they must not make mistakes and always have to do better.
4. The Victim always thinking life is beyond their control, the situation is hopeless and helpless, they feel deprived, defective and unworthy.

4 Speaking Up and Saying No

Speaking Up and Saying No is part of assertiveness training. Always remember you have the right to say no. And that No is a full sentence and a full statement. So it doesn’t require an explanation.

5 Using Constructive criticism

It’s okay to use constructive criticism, if you’re unsure of how to do this I would suggest practice a first. It takes time to get it right so be patient with yourself and don’t give up after one go. How to do it:

If possible you choose the time and place, prepare what you want to say making note of a few points, or if there is a lot you want to say, then just tackle one issue at a time ( and then leave it alone, come back to the other points in time).

When you do meet with the other person you can the focus on the following basics phrases:

1. “When you said/did x” pause before continuing with what was said/done.

2. ” I felt Y” ( always remember to focus on “I felt” not “you made me feel”)

3. ” In future I’d prefer if you said/did z, what do you think?” (now you negotiate/compromise, but never let it get aggressive or heated. If it does take a break until you both cool off).

This only works if the other person is non-aggressive, not a bully or isn’t a Narcissists are part of the dark triad,or psychopath, sociopaths, (I like to separate these two conditions) or Machiavellian.

6 Building self-esteem and self-respect

Building self-esteem  and self-respect comes from looking at what good self-esteem is and  what is self-respect. Good self-esteem/self-respect means you are comfortable in yourself and confident in your own abilities. It would include:

1. Talking positive to yourself
2. Acknowledging your strengths
3. Changing behaviours you’re not happy with
4. Celebrating your achievements
5. Treating and rewarding yourself (see my free resource on setting up this system here. 4 part bundle)
6. Looking after physical and mental health equally
7. Taking time for yourself
8. Seeking help and support as needed
9. Getting to know yourself
10. It also means setting healthy boundaries for yourself
11. Knowing what your self-esteem busters and boosters are

7 Using Affirmations

Affirmations aren’t just about some sayings on pieces of paper (although I use these daily and find them very helpful) they are also about:

1. Learning from mistakes and successes
2. Being knowledgeable about relationships and your relationship skills no matter what kind of relationship it is – work, family, personal
3. Decreasing excessive concerns
4. Expecting positive outcomes
5. Improving matching your values with what you do, think and feel
6. Accept compliments by just saying thank you. This is the easiest practice of affirmations. So the next time someone offers you a compliment just say “Thank You” and nothing else.

8 Knowing your rights

Do you know your rights? These rights are part of assertiveness training and are based on the idea that we are all created equal, which many people may have forgotten. They are as follows:

1. I have the right to express my feelings
2. I have the right to express my opinions and beliefs
3. I have the right to say yes and no for myself
4. I have the right to change my mind
5. I have the right to say I don’t understand
6. I have the right to be myself without having to act for other people’s benefit
7. I have the right to decline responsibility for other people’s problems
8. I have the right to make reasonable requests of others
9. I have the right to set my own priorities
10. I have the right to be listened to and taken seriously
11. I have the right to make mistakes and feel comfortable about admitting them
12. I have the right to be illogical in making decisions
13. I have the right to say I don’t care
14. I have the right to be miserable or cheerful
15. I have the right to own my own feelings

Add in any more rights you can think of.

Did you know I  have a book which offers a step by step guide on self-care and includes working through all of the above and more. You can find it here.

Work With Me.

Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.