One of the biggest barriers to self-love and self-care is the comparison trap. We can all too easily fall into this trap especially as we spend so much of our time on social media these days.

The comparison trap is all too contagious too as the people we interact with can help us get started and keep it going. It really is a horrible mental phenomenon. It keeps us comparing and thinking that someone else knows something we don’t and that is why they seem to have a happier and better life than we do.

It really brings out our inner negative thoughts and beliefs which then help to cultivate the habit further. We forget that it is a habit we have adopted as we sink into it further and further and forget to love and look after ourselves more and more. At times we may even feel paralysed that we will never be good enough. So why even bother at all?

So what happens when we enter the comparison trap?

The 3 Main Things That The Comparison Trap Causes.

Self-Doubt

One of the first things that happen when we get caught in the comparison trap is that our self-doubt starts to rise. Any self-doubts that might be normally kept just under the surface raise up and we doubt our own capabilities. We begin to think of everything we don’t have or what we haven’t achieved.

We completely ignore what we do have in our lives and what we have achieved. We simply brush these all too easily aside. We widen the gap even further between our life and the person’s we are comparing our self to. This feeds the negative cycle we have begin to create further.

Fear

The self-doubt will of course bring up any fears we have. Fear of success or failure in particular. Again these will also feed the negative cycle of thoughts, emotions, physiological responses and behaviours that have begun. The fears will also of course get in the way of your happiness and what you actually want to do with your life.

The comparison trap will stop you from living your life to the fullest. You no longer follow the goals you want. But rather follow another’s ideas and goals in an attempt to gain something you deem lacking in yourself.

Insecurity

Of course our self-doubts and fears also start the rise of our own internal insecurities. When we enter the comparison trap we in effect externalize our value and self-worth. In other words we think that our self-worth and value is directly related to how well, how much better, how much less, or how often we do the same things or have the same things as the people we are comparing our self to. Again we add fuel to that negative cycle.

The comparison trap is something we all enter at one time or another. But we can recognise it as a negative thought pattern and a habit. If we recognise it as such then we can also recognise that we can change the habit that keeps us from stopping it.

We can also admit to ourselves that these emotions and reactions are normal and that it will take time and patience with ourselves to change them. But we can change them, for with any habit awareness, acceptance and then proactive actions will help us.

 4 Ways To Combat The Comparison Trap

 Increasing your awareness.

The first step with any sort of change is to become more aware of what it is you are doing. How you are thinking, feeling, and reacting to the external event. So in the comparison trap ask yourself these questions:

1. What is something (or who is someone) I compare myself to?
2. If it is s a person: What is that I admire about that person?
3. If it is a something: What are three things I already do well in this area?

 Identifying what you are already good at.

The next step is to get a better perspective on the situation. So answering the following questions will help remind you that there are areas/things that you exceed at. Things you have already achieved in your life and that people do admire you for being you.

No matter how small you might think something is, it is always important that we remember and celebrate them. So make sure you begin to note down what you have in your life already. So finish the following sentences:

1. People often comment on how well I can…
2. When face with a challenge (you can name the specifics if you like)… I’m always surprised at how well I can cope when faced with…
3.  … (name what it is) is something I love doing and something that always makes me feel … (happy, excited, content, fulfilled, etc.)
4. I feel confident in my ability to …
5. I wish I had more time to … because it always puts me in a better mood.
6. Three things I am so proud of in my life are: ….
7. Things I have already achieved, or succeeded at, are: …

You get the idea. Try to name as many things in your life that are positive. Be at least honest with yourself and if you are having trouble ask a positive supporter for help.

Remember if you achieved it, you own it, it was all your own hard work and you deserve the credit. Never let anyone take it away from you or try to diminish it.

Getting vulnerable.

Another step in awareness and acceptance is to look at what we are comparing ourselves to. We often make the false assumption that the people we are comparing our self to possess qualities and traits that we do not.

That is simply not the case, chances are they are just like you but may be at a different stage than you. They can have a lot of fears we don’t see and will probably have their own self-doubts.

1. So what is it about that person you admire most?
2. What traits and qualities do they have you think you do not possess?

Can you recognise that most of what you have named you could already possess. You just may not have given yourself the credit.

Envisioning the future.

Once you become aware and accept your positives may be you also see that what has held you back most of all is your fear, insecurity and self-doubt. Now is the time to dig a little deeper. Lets’ look at some goals you can now achieve with you new sense of awareness and acceptance.

Which of the fears and barriers from above have held you back in the past? Which relate to a goal you wanted to achieve? Write down you goals and beside them write down the fears and barriers that are stopping you from achieving those goals.

Next write down what would happen if you don’t achieve the goal? And what would happen if you did succeed in achieving the goal? Are there some traits and abilities you admire you want to develop? Can you set some goals to help you achieve this?

One last point I’d like to make is that we can often see self-love and self-care as narcissistic. That is never the case and that negative belief only feeds a negative cycle of self-doubt, fear and insecurity. Leaving us open to the comparison trap.

Self-love is about self-acceptance and cultivating a daily self-care practice that nurtures our mental and physical health. The same way you look after others, nurture, love and care for them you should to yourself first. You can find more information on self-acceptance in my workbook Building Acceptance Into Your Life.

Never assume that the care, consideration and appreciation you give out will be returned to you if you don’t put yourself first. People will always treat you and reflect back to you how you treat yourself. So set those boundaries and place a little self-love and self-care into your life today.

Work With Me.

We all struggle with setting boundaries from time to time. It is important to realize that creating healthy boundaries is an act of self-love and self-empowerment. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.