How To Deal With Negative People.

Dealing with negative people, especially adult family members, can be very trying. We all probably have friends and family members who: badger us, are overbearing, bullying, nagging, controlling, nit-picking, gossiping, frustrating and angry.

During this time we can find ourselves feeling more stressed, anxious, depressed. We end up doing things we would usually say no to just to keep the peace. But you will quickly burn out, and end up sick and/or exhausted, if you continue to try to please these types of people.

What can you do to help yourself deal with negative people?

1. Taking a step back

   And reestablishing your boundaries is the first step to take here. I have two blog that might help with this, one on setting healthy personal boundaries and the other on setting boundaries in relationships. It is vital that you have a good basic self-care routine included in setting your boundaries. This enables you to take back control of your life again in a positive manner. You can find out more here and in my book The Building Blocks Of Self-Care.

Reestablishing your boundaries will help you feel more in control of what is happening. It helps to enable you to set appropriate limitations with others. You will probably drop the ball a few times. But if you keep trying you will succeed at establishing your boundaries more firmly with people.

Always remember though you are not there to be a punch bag for anyone else’s anger. You can walk away or hang up on someone like this. You also need to know that some people just want to dump all their negativity all over someone else. They then go off much happier with themselves leaving you feeling awful. Its okay to walk away from these people, not answer their calls or messages.

2. Next you need to acknowledge what and with whom you have the problem.

   If you don’t acknowledge it you can‘t change it. Is this problem or issue about you or about them? Have you let your boundaries slide with this person? Are they triggering something else for you, maybe something from the past?

3. If this is about the other person.

   Then repeat the questions from above, you are looking to see it from their point of view. What do you think are their triggers? Can you stop talking and just listen to what they are saying, any repeated phrases, and watch their body cues, any anxiety, fearful, angry (maybe not even at you),etc. What does this tell you? Trust your gut it’s probably right.

4. Watch your responses.

   Are you taking the bait and engaging with them? If we can stop, listen (and watch where possible), you can hear a lot more of what is being said. Then you can respond in a more calm, kind, but firm manner. It enables you to stick to your boundaries more.

5. Remember you can’t change anyone but yourself.

   If you have identified what makes this person difficult you can prepare in advance for your conversations and interactions with them. You can prepare excuses to leave, any diversion topics you need to get them talking about something or someone else. You can dictate the date, time and length of interaction you have with this person.

If this is someone you live with this can be harder. But having a list of small tasks/self-care items that you “just need to get done” ready may be helpful. Or again diversion topics list. If you both can’t sit down and discuss the issue without one of you losing your temper right now that might help.

If this is becoming an ongoing problem then I would advise you to seek professional help. I discuss how to communicate appropriate with partners here. This also includes advice on how to communicate when angry.

Remember, your partner and family members know you very well. If they are negative people then they will know all the ways to trap you and get you engaged in reacting to them. You need to become more aware of these traps and avoid them by keeping calm, firm but polite at all times. As I have already said, if they become abusive walk away immediately.

6. Make sure you are actively reducing your stress levels.

If your stress and /or anxiety levels are high you will not be able to respond calmly or appropriately with anyone. Make sure you are taking care of your basic self-care first, adding in some form of exercise, meditation, gratitude and journaling to help yourself.

Meditation or another form of relaxing such as yoga, tai chi, etc., will help to bring your stress levels down and re-center your brain.

Gratitude can help you remember how much positivity you already have in your life. It can also allow you to remember that there are good times with the person and that they have good traits too. This can get shoved aside as we focus on the negativity coming from that person. In saying that, if this person is abusing you, you can be grateful for the lesson they have taught you, but also delete them fully from your life. When, and how much, you forgive them will be up to you.

Journaling can be used in a number of ways. Firstly, as a brain dump before bed, this allows your brain to rest more fully while you sleep. Secondly, you can also use this brain dump to see what you are doing day to day. If you are dealing with negative people chances are they have persuaded you to take on their responsibilities also.

When you review your priorities it will allow you to hand these responsibilities back to these people. Don’t feel guilty here. Believe me negative people will lay on the guilt and shame thickly to get you to change your mind. Remember, you are treating them like adults, and with the respect, when you do this. This review can also be used for you to ask for help if needed, delegate, and make sure you have time for yourself.

Difficult people will rarely admit they have a problem. This isn’t about changing them, but about you become more empowered in your dealings with them. Yes, you will fall into their traps but with consistent practice you will get better at holding your boundaries.

So, being realistic and patient with yourself, and them, will help reduce your stress levels. Be prepared for the unpleasantness and redirect them to another topic where you can. This will be another way for you to reestablish control over the situation.

Work With Me.

Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.