Many factors can contribute to when and why someone develops perfectionism. It may start in childhood, teen years or as an adult. It may stem from frequent fears surrounding disapproval from others or from feelings of insecurity and inadequacy.

Exactly what causes perfectionism isn’t known but it is thought to be a learnt behaviour as a reaction to something in the person’s life. Thus it can be unlearnt and people learn how to cope better with therapy. But exactly what is perfectionism?

What Is Perfectionism?

Perfectionism may be defined as the need to appear to be, or a need to be, perfect. The person may think they can achieve perfection if only they do …, you fill in the blank. It is more likely to be unrealistic is the point. But the person doesn’t realize that nothing, or no one, can be perfect, it is an illusion.

Perfectionism is often seen as a positive personality trait that increases our chances of success. But be very clear perfectionism is not about striving to be your best. It is not about setting healthy achievements or personal growth. It is characterized by a person’s need to strive for higher and higher standards and get everything perfect.

But that can also be accompanied by over critical thinking and behaviours. It is those self defeating behaviours that make it unhealthy and not personal growth building at all. When our behaviours and thinking around perfectionism becomes self-defeating, destructive, and negative, it can cause a whole host of problems for us.

The Implications Of Perfectionism.

There are a number of ways you can use perfectionism against yourself. These can lead to high levels of stress, and anxiety. It can lead the person to develop depression, burnout and other mental health issues. If you feel perfectionism is a problem for you then please reach out to a therapist. We can help you manage your fears, stress, anxiety and self-criticism.

What problems could be experienced with perfectionism?

These issues are in no particular order. People will generally have multiple issues and each one will cause problems in your life and work.

They have low self-esteem.

They tend to be very self-critical and are constantly comparing themselves to others. This takes up a lot of head space thus this leads to being unhappy, highly anxious and they may develop depression. This can all impact heavily on their self-esteem.

Being a perfectionist can be very isolating and lonely which will also promote low self-esteem. They spend too much time worrying about the opinions of others and a fear of letting others down. They take on too much for others and stop looking after themselves and their needs come last always. So people pleasing will also be a problem.

Tasks have to be performed perfectly.

But this is only according to some standard in their head. This is often an unrealistic standard. They may have an obsession with rules, lists and work. But they have a strong fear of failure which can lead to an inability to perform tasks. So procrastination is very common also.

The procrastination can mean they are unable to start some tasks until they have worked out exactly how to do it perfectly. As a result they may take an excessive amount of time to complete the task. Again they may not even start the task for fear of failing or being seen as a failure. They may skip work/class or avoid a household chore for fear of failing.

They struggle to relax or turn off from work commitments.

Perfectionists can be very results focused as they see the end result as the most important part. The process of achieving something such as learning curves or testing their ability is less important to them.

They can get very angry when something is not completed perfectly. They will hold themselves, and others, to very high, almost impossible, standards at time. As I’ve said getting something completed can take a lot of effort. This can be very exhausting for the perfectionist but also others around them.

Feelings of insecurity and a difficulty with relationships.

A fear of not being good enough and being unlovable is strong. They, more often than not, have a core belief that states “I am not good enough.” They feel inadequate and have no self-acceptance.

They can struggle to be able to share their thoughts and feelings. Ineffective communication can be a problem too. How can you express yourself with honesty when you are afraid you may be seen as “wrong” somehow?

The perfectionist will often try to appear perfect to gain approval. They have very high standards around personal appearance. Perfectionist can put a lot of effect into grooming and clothes choice. Keeping up appearances can be very exhausting to maintain. It can be very off putting for others to be around as they can feel they don’t meet this same standard.

They can be very controlling in their personal, and professional, relationships.

They set unrealistic standards for themselves but also for their loved ones and colleagues. This will bring extra stress, anxiety and pressure put on all their relationships.

Even if appearance isn’t a high issue for them they will be unable to show their true selves. They hide behind some kind of “prefect” façade thus keeping people at a distance. When in fact all they want is to feel loved, secure and accepted. Unfortunately the perfectionist can come across to others as fake, unapproachable or inflexible.

Celebrating success is not on the cards as they can’t let themselves relax and blow off some steam. Plus those high standards may not have been reached by them so what is there to celebrate? Even when others around them are they may not join in.

Perfectionists may also avoid trying new things. They may appear in a rut or boring as a result by others. But they are afraid they may be seen as anything less than perfect in front of friends, family and strangers. Avoidance is used as a defense mechanism.

Switching off from work is difficult as there is always something next on that to do list. They can be seen as boring as a result. But it also leaves them open to abuse. Negative people will be attracted to someone who is willing to get the jobs done they don’t want to take on or take responsibility for.

Overcoming Perfectionism?

If your perfectionism is causing you stress, anxiety, depression, burn-out, or another mental health issue then I strongly recommend you see a therapist and your GP. Your GP can prescribe medication that can help with anxiety, depression and refer you for further specialist help if required.

A therapist will tailor make a treatment program for you to help you overcome perfectionism or any other conditions presented. If you don’t work through your feelings and the root cause of your perfectionism you can become trapped by shame, guilt, anger and other emotions.

Moving in to self-forgiveness and self-acceptance frees you and allows you to be better able to sit with uncomfortable feelings in the future.

Some self-help behaviours you can introduce also.

Practice basic self-care.

If you are a perfectionist you won’t set healthy boundaries or looking after your basic self care. This is the place to start your self-help. There are blogs here and here on these topics which also include a vlog and podcast.

Build your self-confidence.

I set out a number of steps in my blog here. This includes building a support system and learning to relax. You may have become very isolated from your perfectionism so building a support system will give you a number of supports you can start to utilize immediately.

Build in some stress reduction.

Perfectionism can also be quite exhausting, learning some stress reduction techniques are important now. I have some tips here and a series of podcast on meditation techniques here.

Recognize what needs to change in your life. 

Sometimes we are not aware of what needs to change at the start. We just know something has to give. You can start by becoming aware of what is not working for you in your life anymore. I discuss what the stages of change are and some questions you can ask yourself to become more aware of what you need to change here.

Re-evaluate what you do for others.

This is very important. You have probably taken on an unrealistic amount of tasks on your to do list. Now is the right time to re-evaluate what you do, especially for others, and make sure your needs come first.

Allow others to become responsible for their life. This is hard to do at first. But with practice you will get better at handing things over, or back to others, and letting other things go. I have a free resource to help you get started here.

Learn to set realistic and attainable goals.

These goals should be broken down into small manageable steps to stop you from feeling overwhelmed. Make sure to only focus on one task at a time also.

Check your self-talk and make sure it’s positive.

Being a perfectionist allows negative self-talk to get out of hand. It’s time to start recognizing what you are saying to yourself. Begin by meditating and then journal about your inner dialogue. It doesn’t have to go in to too much detail, just keep a record of the thoughts in bullet format. See what they are, is there a pattern? Whose voice is it? You will probably notice it belongs to someone else.

It is also important that you introduce some positive self-talk in the form of an affirmation. You can use something like “I am good enough” to start with but as you recognize a particular pattern you can use an affirmation to counter this.

Focus on the positive in your life everyday also.

You can make sure you are doing this by practicing gratitude a daily activity. You can use your journal for this also, simply write out 3 things (minimum) you are grateful for every night. Gratitude has been shown to boost your mental health very quickly and lasts far longer than other techniques.

Work With Me.

Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.