More times than not we think others are more deserving of our love and attention than we are. But that is simply not true. We deserve our love and attention as much as the next person. In fact we probably deserve it more at times but we tend to think we don’t. That inner critic can be very harsh and angry with us at times. If we actually stop to listen to what we tell ourselves we would be horrified to hear ourselves say such things to others.
Why Do We Allow Our Inner Critic Such Free Reign?
As we go through life we will enter relationships with many people. Some will journey with us for only a short period of time, others will last for decades. But the longest relationship we will ever have is the one with our self. It is one of the most important relationships we will ever have.
How important would a relationship be to you if it lasted as long as the one you have with yourself? Probably very important, it would be for most people. You would want to make sure it was treated with respect and you would work hard to make sure it was a positive and supportive one for you.
How Important Are You To Yourself?
For many of us that relationship we have with our self isn’t so positive and supportive. The inner critic can be harsh and angry. This negative self-talk or cognitive distortion is a very common problem for many of us. It can cause all sorts of problems for our mental and physical health, as well as issues for our relationships.
So we have to ask the question why do we allow our inner critic have such free reign? Taking a step back and examining what our inner critic is trying to tell us can help. As can understanding that these cognitive distortions can be changed.
Getting To Grips With The Cognitive Distortions In Our Head.
There can be many reasons our inner critic reigns supreme. Often the reason can stem from our childhood. We may have been conditioned by our parents or main care-giver to adopt a certain type of cognitive distortion. Or it may have been a more recent acquisition for you. Perhaps it was through a bad experience with a negative family member, friend, neighbour, or in the workplace. But what are these cognitive distortions?
Cognitive distortions are biased perspectives, irrational thoughts and beliefs, which we may not know we are reinforcing about ourselves and others. They can be very subtle, so we may at first not even notice how these thoughts control our day to day life. Cognitive distortions can be very damaging if left unchecked.
They are tendencies or patterns of thinking or believing that give us a false or inaccurate picture of life. It is scary to think that we have fallen prey to this type of thinking, that our brain, which we trust, can fool us like this. That these though patterns create a negative bias, or perspective, of our world.
How Does Negative Inner Criticism Impact Our Well-Being?
There are a number of ways our negative thinking affects our minds and bodies. Some of these include:
- It saps our sense of control over our lives.
- It robs us of active participation in our day to day life.
- Inner criticism increases our chances of getting coronary problems and suppresses our immune system.
- We become less productive at home and at work as we are unable to complete the tasks we need to do.
- It leaves us feeling miserable, setting up a despondent mood and possible downward spiral into mental health conditions. Such as stress, anxiety, depression, etc.
- It keeps the mind trapped to such an extent that we feel what we are thinking is as natural as breathing. It has become a destructive habit.
- Our ability to think clearly and make good decisions for ourselves is diminished.
- It disrupts our sleep.
It is quite common to fall victim to our inner critic at one time or another. All is not lost though. We can begin to recognize our critic, modify it and change these faulty perspectives. One way our inner self-critic can be helped is by strengthening our self-compassion. But what is compassion?
What Is Compassion?
Compassion is a universally valued virtue. Most would say it is an essential life skill we all need to cultivate more. But it is also recognized we must start with self-compassion.
Compassion won’t stop the pain from life’s ups and downs but it does allow us to handle the difficulties easier. It also allows us to enjoy and celebrate our success more fully and learn from our mistakes without beating ourselves up. Compassion allows us to be more open-minded and tolerant of not only of ourselves but others too.
Research has shown that we can learn to become more compassionate and in turn we can help rewire our brains. This rewiring occurred in a number of regions in the brain including in the region that involves empathy, understanding others, emotional regulation and positive emotions. Self-help to increase your compassion levels can be done in a number of ways which I’ll outline below.
5 Tips To Help Cultivate Compassion In Your Life.
Cultivating self-compassion in your everyday life can be learnt as I’ve said but it will take time, patience and practice. If you feel you are suffering from stress, burn-out, anxiety and depression though I’d also recommend you receive professional help as well as doing these self-help tips.
1 Start With Getting Your Self-Care Right.
Yes I do know I harp on about this but if you don’t look after your basic needs then you certainly can’t look after anyone else’s in a healthy way. Taking care of your basic self- care will help build your self-compassion and quiet that inner critic.
Odds are that if you have a harsh inner critic your self-care is not very good either. Taking care of ourselves helps us to learn to accept ourselves more. It’s setting a clear boundary too and makes a clear statement that you matter. You can find the basic list here and I talk about the benefits of self-care here.
2 Build Healthy Boundaries With Yourself.
I’m talking about setting your personal boundaries here. When we lack self-compassion and have a harsh inner critic we often have skewed personal and relationship boundaries. These personal boundaries are set based on your values and morals. It involves you deciding what you participating in and who with.
Learning to say no even to yourself is self-compassion. Saying no to that inner critic that pushes you to people please, perfectionism, procrastination, etc., is a vital boundary to start setting. As you set these boundaries it will empower you in all aspects of your life.
3 Practice Some Form Of Meditation.
Your meditation will help you start to notice how your inner critic acts. By starting to notice how we talk to ourselves it allows us to see the patterns, the voice’s origins and also permit us to counter the negativity in our head.
It really doesn’t matter which type of meditation you do. But it must be a formal practice every day and also include something like a 3 minute breather that you can use on the go during the day. That 3 minute breather can help us interrupt our inner critic when it starts to act up.
You can of course incorporate exercises such as yoga, tai chi, walking meditations, etc. The choice is yours, but this will be one technique that will form the foundations of your self-compassion practice. You can learn a number of meditations on my podcast series here, here and here.
4 Practice Self-Forgiveness.
We are so quick to forgive others but are slow at forgiving ourselves of even the simplest of mistakes. Again another problem we encounter when we get caught up in being so self-critical.
If you have started to notice your inner critic then the next step will be to start to forgive yourself. Stop punishing yourself for your mistakes. Accept that you are not perfect, no one is.
Techniques on self-acceptance will also help you here as it helps you to be gentler with yourself for your perceived shortcomings. Remember you are loved and valued by your positive support system. Those that put you down need to go now as part of your new self-forgiveness strategy I talk about deleting negative people here to help you.
5 Build Your Support System.
Building a support system is more than the people who support you. It can also include information and resources you might need and how to access them. It can also at times include professional support from your GP, hospital, school/college, church, and therapist. A strong support system will include all of these people along with positive family and friends.
Being surrounded by positive supportive people will help reduce your inner critic and build you self-compassion. When we see self-compassion, love, kindness, forgiveness, etc., in others we tend to model that better in ourselves also. For more on building a support system you can read my blog here.
Work With Me.
We all struggle with negative thinking from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.
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