What is perfectionism?

Perfectionism may be defined as the need to appear to be, or a need to be, perfect. The person may think they can achieve perfection if only they do … Fill in the blank yourself. Whatever it is it is probably unrealistic. But they don’t realise that nothing, or no one, can be perfect. This is the illusion.

Perfectionism As A Positive Trait?

Perfectionism is often seen as a positive personality trait that increases our chances of success. But be very clear most types of perfectionism is not striving to be your best. It is not about setting healthy achievements or personal growth. It is characterised by a person’s need to strive for higher standards and get everything right. But that can also be accompanied by over critical thinking and behaviours. It is those self defeating behaviours that make it unhealthy and not personal growth building at all.

When our behaviours and thinking with perfectionism become self-defeating and negative it can cause a whole host of problems for us. These can include stress, exhaustion, anxiety, depression and other mental health issues. If you feel this is a problem for you then please reach out to a therapist, who can help you manage your fears and self-criticism.

3 Types of perfectionist.

Through research it is thought that there may be three types of perfectionist. They are shown to have similar behaviours while their motives and outcomes are differing.

Personal standards perfectionism

They use a set of high standards or goals they want to achieve and that motivates them. For others they can see these standards/goals as impossibly high. This type of perfectionism can be seen as healthy as long as they don’t use any negative, or harmful, methods of coping to achieve their results. That is the key to this type of perfectionism. It must be energizing for the person not causing them to feel stressed and leave them burnt-out.

Self-critical perfectionism

These people also set high standards and goals they want to achieve but these cause them to feel overwhelmed and are less motivating. They can feel hopeless, stressed, and anxious and use negative self-criticism and avoidance tactics.

Socially prescribed perfectionism

There are two types of this perfectionism. Firstly, this type of perfectionism can be seen in teens and adults who feel pressurized to have an “ideal body” type. They can as a result develop this type of perfectionism and its negative consequences as a result. These consequences can be an experience of higher levels of overwhelm, stress, anxiety, self-harm and suicide

Secondly, this is also the type of perfectionism that is placed on certain careers by society. The people working in these sectors are seen as having to be perfect and have to meet high levels of excellence. Examples of these sectors are medical professionals, legal professionals, architects, etc. The people who work in these sectors may experience higher levels of overwhelm, stress, anxiety, self-harm and suicide.

Common Signs Of Perfectionism.

There are a number of ways you can use perfectionism against yourself. These signs are in no particular order. You may have one or more of them. Each though will cause problems within your work and life. They will keep you stuck, stressed, anxious and exhausted, etc.

1. Tasks have to be performed perfectly according to some standard you have set in your head. This is often an unrealistic standard. You may end up unable to perform the task for fear of failure. You will not be happy unless you score 100% on a test as it is seen as a sign of failure.
2. They may have an obsession with rules, lists and work.
3. When they perceive themselves, and others, as not perfect they get angry.
4. They can struggle to relax and share their thoughts and feelings.
5. They have low self-esteem. They tend to be very self-critical thus unhappy, anxious and may develop depression. This can all impact heavily on their self-esteem. Being a perfectionist can be very isolating and lonely which will also promote low self-esteem.
6. Results Focused. The result has become the most important part of what they are doing. They are less focused on the process it takes to complete it, such as learning curves or testing their ability.
7. They procrastinate and are unable to start the task until they have worked out exactly how to do it perfectly. As a result they may take an excessive amount of time to complete the task. Again they may not even start the task for fear of failing or being seen as a failure. They may skip work/class or avoid a household chore for fear of failing.
8. They may speak or write very little as they see what they say and write as not good enough to be spoke or written. They may spend time rewriting something over and over again until they get it perfect. Even something as simple as sending an email can become a large production for them.
9. They find it difficult to celebrate success, theirs and others. As it may not reach the unrealistic standards they have set in their heads.
10. Feelings of insecurity and not belonging. A fear of not being good enough and unlovable.
11. They can have as I’ve said a fear of failure but they can also have a fear of success either.
12. They can be very controlling in their personal, and professional, relationships. They set unrealistic standards for their loved ones also. This will bring extra stress, anxiety and pressure to their relationships.
13. They are constantly comparing themselves to others. But this leads to too much worry about the opinions of others and a fear of letting others down. They take on too much for others and stop looking after themselves and their needs come last always.
14. Excessive rumination over mistakes made.This takes up an unnaturally amount of head space as you are constantly thinking how things you did could have been better or how much of a failure you are. You don’t allow for mistakes in yourself and don’t forgive yourself either.
15. Avoid trying new things. They may appear in a rut as a result by others. But they are afraid they may be seen as anything less than perfect in front of friends, family and strangers. Avoidance is used as a defense mechanism.
16. Excessive cleaning and personal grooming: They keep themselves, their belongings and their home spotlessly clean. It can cause the person to spend large amounts of time and energy eating certain foods, excessive exercise, wearing only certain clothes, buying certain products and cleaning in order to meet a certain standard. This can lead to exhaustion, stress, anxiety, eating disorders and financial pressures.

When does perfectionism start?

Exactly what causes perfectionism isn’t known but it is thought to be a learnt behaviour as a reaction to something in the person’s life. Thus it can be unlearnt and people learn how to cope better with therapy.

Many factors can contribute to when and why someone develops perfectionism. It may start in childhood, teen or adulthood. It may stem from frequent fears surrounding disapproval from others or from feelings of insecurity and inadequacy.

Some ways perfectionism can occur:

• In children and teens it may have developed from having a parent who has perfectionism. Some parents may push their child to be perfect or can set unrealistically high standards that the child may never reach. They then punish the child for not reaching those standards.
• Some children may have developed insecure early attachment. In other words they had trouble developing attachment to their parents. As a result have trouble with self-soothing and cannot accept a good outcome if it isn’t perfect as teens and adults.
• Education settings may bring out perfectionism in someone. They believe they are not of value unless they are achieving.
• Others may develop perfectionism as a result of an addiction in someone else. Either they were raised by an addict or later married one. They may see their value in what they do for others.

How To let Go Of Perfectionism?

If your perfectionism is causing you stress, anxiety, depression, burn-out, or another mental health issue then I strongly recommend you see a therapist and your GP.

Your GP can prescribe medication that can help with anxiety, depression and refer you for further specialist help if require for any other condition you present with.

A therapist will tailor make a treatment program for you which includes CBT – Cognitive Behavioural Therapy – plus the treatment of any other conditions. They will help you to see that we all make mistakes, explore the root cause of your perfectionism and your deeper feelings that may be contributing to your perfectionism. They will help you to start setting more healthy boundaries and realistic expectations for yourself and others.

The antidote to perfectionism is self-forgiveness and self-acceptance. If you don’t work through your feelings and the root cause of your perfectionism you can become trapped by shame, guilt, anger and other emotions. Moving in to self-forgiveness and self-acceptance frees you and allows you to be better able to sit with uncomfortable feelings in the future.

There are a number of self-help behaviours you can introduce to help yourself also.

Practice basic self-care.

If you are a perfectionist you won’t set healthy boundaries or looking after your basic self care. This is the place to start your self-help. There are blogs here and here on these topics which also include a vlog and podcast. You can also find more on all aspects of self-care and many other topics in my book The Building Blocks Of Self-Care available here or on Amazon.

Build your self-confidence.

I set out a number of steps in my blog here. This includes building a support system and learning to relax. You may have become very isolated from your perfectionism so building a support system will give you a number of supports you can start to utilise immediately. Perfectionism can also be quite exhausting, learning some stress reduction techniques are important now, I have some tips here and a series of podcast on meditation techniques here.

Recognise what needs to change in your life.

Sometimes we are not aware of what needs to change at the start. We just know something has to give. You can start by becoming aware of what is not working for you in your life anymore. I discuss what the stages of change are and some questions you can ask yourself to become more aware of what you need to change here.

Re-evaluate what you do for others.

This is very important, you have probably taken on an unrealistic amount of tasks on your to do list. Now is the right time to re-evaluate what you do, especially for others, and make sure your needs come first. Allow other to become responsible for their life. This is hard to do at first but with practice you will get better at handing things over, or back to others, and letting other things go.

Learn to set realistic and attainable goals.

These goals should be broken down into small manageable steps to stop you from feeling overwhelmed. Make sure to only focus on one task at a time also.

Check your self-talk and make sure it’s positive.

Being a perfectionist allows negative self-talk to get out of hand. It’s time to start recognizing what you are saying to yourself. Begin by meditating and then journal about your inner dialogue. It doesn’t have to go in to too much detail, just keep a record of the thoughts in bullet format. See what they are, is there a pattern? Whose voice is it? Have you notice it belongs to someone else yet? You also need to introduce some positive self-talk in the form of an affirmation. Using something like “I am good enough” to start with. But as you recognize a particular pattern you can use an affirmation to counter this.

Focus on the positive in your life everyday also.

You can make sure you are doing this by practicing gratitude a daily activity. You can use your journal for this also, simply write out 3 things (minimum) you are grateful for every night. Gratitude has been shown to boost your mental health very quickly and lasts far longer than other techniques.

Recognize you need help if you are in a relationship with an addict.

You need to re-evaluate your relationship and ask for help. This can be in the form of therapy (which I’d recommend) plus attending a self-help group such as Al-anon (for family and friends of alcoholics).  You need to learn to protect yourself and any children. This may come in the way of mental, physical and financial protection.

You can purchase my book The Building Blocks Of Self-Care where I go into more detail about self-care, setting boundaries, stress management plus a whole host of other topics. Worksheets & podcasts are all included.

Work With Me.

Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.