What Happens When We Start A Relationship?

In the early day we start to get to know one another we want to share and do everything together. We are creating a foundation to the relationship for our future together. This is the merge stage of a relationship.

The merge is where we have that initial attraction. We get to know each other, slowly hopefully, and move things on to something more serious. Our brain helps us along by releasing a cocktail of hormones that help maintain the attraction such as dopamine, oxytocin, etc.

In this part of the relationship we feel that all consuming love, joy and it can be fueled by passionate sex.  We can only see what we have in common or similar to one another and we may want to spend all our time with that person.

Our boundaries can seem to melt away also and we are eager to merge together as a couple. We most likely ignore the incompatibilities, red flags and other issues that others may be all too aware of.

Gradually as our relationship deepens we may become more critical and notice things about our partner that are not so rose tinted. But we can also feel like we are losing our sense of who we are while being in the relationship.

A relationship needs to encourage our uniqueness while also growing as a couple. It also needs to support us when we meet our own basic needs. Plus support the continued connections we have with other relationships – family and friends – outside of the relationship.

A little word of warning.

Being forced to conform to your partner’s demands should raise red flags for you. But it may not be so obvious at the start or to you. Family and friends may notice subtle things you may have overlooked in the person.

One thing to be aware of is gaslighting. Gaslighting tactics may be used by one person to manipulate another in order to make them question their own memory, perception of reality or judgements they make.

The perpetrator uses tactics, such as denial, misdirection, contradiction, misinformation, to destabilize their intended target. They can also at the same time appear to be very concerned and loving towards their target to outsiders which can leave the victim further confused and isolated.

I go into more detail about gaslighting and domestic violence in other blogs.

What Are The Signs Of A Healthy Relationship?

Let us take a moment to remind ourselves of what a healthy relationship should look like. A healthy relationship is one based on both people having healthy boundaries and being able to maintain them in their relationship. It also requires effort by both parties to maintain it.

There needs to be a good level of interest in the other person, some shared interests, values and beliefs would also be desirable. But you most decidedly need mutual respect, trust, honesty, openness, good communication, and support for each other. You should both be willing to compromise when needed and for a solid friendship to develop.

It is also important that we remain true to ourselves. We need to respect, trust and be honest with ourselves too. If we do not it may create disconnect in our lives. We can begin to feel lost, anxious, and depressed plus unhappy. These may happen slowly and it can take time before we realize how much we have lost of our self.

Reconnecting can be a struggle for us and we may not notice we have lost ourselves so completely until the relationship has ended. Many relationships have ended because people have felt so lost in the relationship. But it need not be the case you can ask for help from a therapist to help you.

One thing for sure is that reconnect with our self we must whether we are still in the relationship or not. So how can we do that?

5 Tip To Help Us Reconnect With Ourselves.

Some of the ways we can start to reconnect with ourselves are as follows. But remember none of these, other than your self-care basic needs, are in any particularly order.

I’d recommend making sure your basic self-care needs are in place and then reaching out to your positive supports. After that tackle some of the other tips I’ve listed. These tips are not inclusive either you may think of some other ways to reconnect with yourself. But if you need help please reach out you do not have to do this alone.

Keep Meeting Your Own Basic Needs.

Looking after your self is allowed. We can lose ourselves to looking after our partner so much that we stop looking to meeting our own basic needs. This isn’t a healthy place to land. More often than not it is a very co-dependent place.

We can still set boundaries, respect and love our self while also loving our partner. It is a far healthier option. It can be amazing how much we are willing to let go of for the person we love. Meeting your basic needs is the first step on that path to finding our self again.

I talked about what basic self-care in many previous blogs and videos. It can be hard to start doing things just for ourselves at first this is why I suggest you start with these. Your basic list includes:

1. Eating at least three meals a day
2. Dinking eight glasses of water
3. Getting between 7-9 hours of sleep
4. Having showers and dressing as best you can
5. Meditation or some form of relaxation
6. Exercising
7. You can also add in some journaling and gratitude which will help improve your mental and physical health

Keep The Connections Going With Your Positive Support System.

It’s important not to lose contact with your friends and family members. Making time for them and your new partner is possible. At the beginning we do want to spend all our time together as a couple and can lose contact with others. But it is important to keep those positive connections going too.

You will change as a couple as the relationship grows and so will your friendships. People come and go in our lives all the time. We outgrow them. But make sure you are not spending all you time just with your new partner, their friends and family to the exclusion of your own friends and family.

It is important to keep those connections, and spend time, with your family and friends. Remember it will take time for them to adjust to your new relationship too. Give them time and keep an open mind if they raise some red flags about your new partner. Sometimes we fail to notice what can be so obvious to them. Be at least willing to listen.

If you have neglected those people you may need to do some of the running here. They may feel abandoned and things may feel awkward at first. But give it time and things will slip in to their natural place again.

Make Sure You Don’t Let Go Of Your Own Interests.

You can love your partner and have different interests and hobbies. Drop the people pleasing you are using by only supporting their hobbies and interests. We can all too easily stop developing our own interest and hobbies in a relationship. It can be all too easy to get caught up in work, running a house, kids and making time for your relationship. But we still need some personal development time.

We are going to continue growing and changing as an individual anyway. We cannot hold back time. So make the growth meaningful for you not just your relationship. Yes it’s okay to have common interests but you do need space to grow as an individual too. Your partner should have no problem with this and your relationship should be able to accommodate it also.

You have to schedule in some time in advance each week for your hobbies and interests. If you don’t plan it in it certainly won’t get done. Weeks and months will go by and you will wonder why you still haven’t started something for yourself.

If you are finding this particularly hard to do then pick something that takes only a few minutes to do at first. Or something that helps with your basic self-care such as meditation or exercise. That way you might feel less guilty about taking time for yourself until you get use to it again.

Be Willing To Speak Up.

It is unfair on our partners when we don’t communicate our opinions, needs and wants. They are not mind readers. When we lose ourselves in a relationship we may think we have to put up with things. We may have shoved our feelings down. We may have problems with saying no. This can lead to a lot of resentment and feelings of low self-worth.

The ability to use good communication is a skill and one we can learn. But we also need to be brave here. Because when we first speak up we may feel that we may lose our partner. That may be true. But you have to ask why would they leave you if they want what’s best for you? If they want you to have your needs met just as much as theirs? Don’t they respect you and love you? If they do then asking for what you need or want won’t drive them away it will bring you closer.

Again you need to schedule time together where you can just talk about your relationship, finances, and the kids if you have any. Relationships do need work and communication is part of that work. You can always write down what you want to say before you speak to your partner. Try to stick to only one topic at a time. Remember to use your “I” statements and be willing to listen to what they have to say also.

If you have trouble communicating or are having communication issues as a couple then counselling will certainly help. Relationships can end all because someone is unable to communicate properly. Couples counselling will help you move beyond those issues and put in place a better means of communicating with each other.

Remember It Is Okay To Trust Your Gut Instinct.

There can be many reasons why we lose connection with our self or stopped trusting our gut instinct. Remember your opinion, beliefs and values are important just as much as your partners are. It can be easy to dismiss your opinions if they have more information or experience with something. But don’t, be willing to share your ideas and never be afraid to express yourself.

If something feels off you need to trust yourself here. Reach out for support if you feel you are unsure about what to do. Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. In fact I would strongly advise you to reach out for counseling if you, or a loved one, need it.

My Workbooks

I offer a variety of tips and discuss a range of topics in my workbooks The Building Blocks Of Self-Care, Moving Towards Self-forgiveness, The Little Book Of Reflection And Gratitude and Building Acceptance Into Your Life. You can purchase them on Amazon or here.