What is Personal Development?

When most people think of personal development they think hobbies and interests being developed either as an individual or as a couple. Personal development looks at you, your life, your relationships – all of them – and your career. It usually means being able to look at how you think, feel and behave in your everyday life.

What Do We Need To Be Aware Of When We Start To Look Into Personal Development?

Stages of change.

Personal development can often start with us looking at what the stages of change are, just like grief change has it stages too. There are 6 stages of change: Status quo; Foreign element; Chaos; New options; Practice; Integration. You can out about the stages of change in more detail in my blog Effecting Change In Your Life.

By looking at, and understanding, the stages in detail it helps you to understand where you are in the process of making any change necessary to live the life you want. This will empower you to make those changes and not feel so out of control during the process.

For example: You might want to also look at how to reduce your stress and find a better life/work balance as this is so important for everyone. I highly recommend you do this, because if you are looking to make any sort of change in your life, it is not uncommon to feel highly stressed in the process.

Behaviour types.

Being able to look at behaviour types next is also important. How you behave and what type of behaviour types you use informs you of how you can change, if you need to. But also what behaviour type other people are using will help you see them as they are and not through rose-tinted glasses. In short you’ll understand them better. Looking at behaviour types can also help you deal with people better in your work life.

There are 4 types of behaviour types: Passivity (passive, doormat); Direct aggression (aggressive, bully); Indirect aggression (passive-aggressive, martyr, manipulator); Assertion (assertive, fair-is-square). We are usually not just one type but can use different behaviour types in different situations and with different people.

So what behaviour type are you? How does your partner behaviour? These are questions you might want to explore, and need to understand, in order to have a better relationship with yourself and another person.

Assertiveness

Now let’s’ talk about being able to be assertive. This is so important also. We need to be able to stand up for ourselves without coming off as weak or aggressive.

Are you able to be assertive or is it something you need to learn or work at? This could be a personal developmental goal for you. Being assertive involves being able to ask for what you want or need from others. Being able to say no when appropriate. It also means being able to express your emotions and opinions without feeling self-conscious. Very few people can be assertive all the time, but being able to do it at all, that is what is important.

Self-Talk.

Self-talk (positive and negative) another area a lot of people need to work on. Self-talk are those voices we have in our head telling us good and bad stuff i.e. the inner critic or inner sage.

Sometimes we need to ask “who owns that voice in my head?” “Can I hand it back?” Yes, you can and change the conversation completely – affirmations can help with this.

Self-talk is usually automatic and goes unnoticed (particularly negative self-talk). It is learned thought, so therefore it can be changed at any time (use affirmations). Self-talk is also responsible for how we react and feel on a day to day basis.

Negative self-talk can also distort the facts, it can be irrational – when there are not enough facts to make a decision – unhelpful and upsetting, and very much learned in childhood, so can be unlearnt.

Other areas that might be of interest.

Other areas people like to work on with personal development is self-esteem, self-respect and creating healthy boundaries. These are all so important in helping you lead the life you want. Knowing what you value and living a life according to those values is vital if you are not going to sabbotage yourself along the way.

As I said learning to say no, and yes, where appropriate, and not being someone else doormat is part of this work. So having good communication skills is also vital. With this information in mind, you can see why personal development can lead to problems, and solutions, in relationships.

Why Do You Need Personal Development in A Relationship?

What about personal development as a means to help build you as an individual while still in a relationship?

What would it feel like for one partner to support the other, or each other, while they build up their self-esteem and self-confidence? Or maybe go through therapy, become more assertive, look at how they behave or how they think – negatively or positively?

What could that possibly do for their relationship? Would it bring with it the death-blow to that relationship or would it just build up a stronger foundation in that relationship?

Most people don’t even think of personal development at all until they face a crisis in their lives and end up seeking professional help.

So have you ever thought about looking at your own personal development and seeing it as something you could work on as an individual, or as a couple before it becomes a crisis?

Could this be something that would herald a new you? Probably. Would it mean the death of your relationship? Maybe not, it’s something only you will decide after you have explored all your options of being the new you.

Either way, we are not meant as humans to stand still in our personal growth nor in our relationships, we are meant to grow together. We have a responsibility in our personal relationships to help each other grow too.

What Can You Do To Promote Personal Development In Your Relationship?

1. Good communication is the key to any good relationship. Being able to talk with your partner about anything is so important.

Many couples can be great at this, at the beginning of the relationship, but this type of openness can fall by the wayside as you have children, your lives get busier, etc.

You need to make time each week for you as a couple. A date night each week is a great idea and it doesn’t have to cost anything. Try a simple walk together with the purpose of just reconnecting without the distractions of work and home life.

If this has become a problem for you both you need to be honest about it and might try some therapy, to just help you learn to communicate with each other again.

2. Support each other’s  personal development. So if one of you decides to work on one part of their life, the other should be more than willing to offer encouragement and support. So how could you support your partner and yourself in this way?

1. Do your own personal development. This is so important, as I’ve said it’s our responsibility to grow as an individual and this does have a positive impact on all our relationships.
2. Learn to set healthy boundaries yourself and as a couple.
3. Be willing to ask for help. Both as a couple and as an individual. It takes so much courage at times to ask for help, but don’t be afraid, help will always be there for you no matter what.

How can I help myself today?

1. Make reducing your stress a habit. Start small. Start by using a test of you new technique (your quick stress relief tool such a 3 minute breather) with a predictable low-level source of stress. Identify and target. Think of just one low-level stressor that you know will occur several times a week, such as commuting. Vow to target that stressor with quick stress relief every time. After a few weeks, target a second stressor and so on. Test-drive sensory input. If you are practising quick stress relief on your commute to work, bring a scented handkerchief with you one day, try music another day, and try a movement the next day. Keep experimenting until you find a clear winner in self-soothing. (Self-soothing/good habits using the senses part 1 is here for you to bring this process of change) Have fun with the process. If something doesn’t work, don’t force it. Move on until you find what works best for you. It should be pleasurable and you should feel noticeably calmer. Talk about it. Telling friends or family members about the stress-relief strategies you’re trying out will help you integrate them into your life. It’s bound to start a fascinating conversation as everyone can relate to the topic of stress. A stress reduction tool can also be a type of relaxation.
2. Take up a form of relaxation: A very quick form of relaxation and an easy and also effective method is to count while you breathe in and out. You can try 5 counts in and 7 counts out or any other number combination you are comfortable with. Try this for 3 minutes building up to 10 minutes to see great results.
3. Start a journal and let go of all your daily emotions into it at the end of each day. Simple complete a brain dump at the end of the day to allow your mind to rest. Follow this with my next suggestion.
4. Practice gratitude. Write 3 things down that you are grateful for at the end of your journal each night before bed. This is one of the most effective techniques for boosting your mental health and lasts longer than any other mental health tool.
5. Be honest with yourself first and foremost is vital. Ask for help if you need it.
6. Learn how creativity can be self-care for you and your partner.
7. Remember: It’s okay to love someone else, but remember to love yourself first and a little more.

Work With Me.

Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.