What is compassion?

Compassion is a universally valued virtue. Most would say it is an essential life skill we all need to cultivate more. But it is also recognized that it must start with self-compassion first.

Start with self-compassion first.

Compassion won’t stop the pain from life’s ups and downs. But it does allow us to handle the difficulties easier. It also allows us to enjoy and celebrate our success more fully. Learn from our mistakes without beating ourselves up. Compassion allows us to be more open-minded and tolerant of not only of ourselves, but others too.

Compassion has been shown to in fact rewire our brains. This rewiring occurred in a number of regions in the brain. These include the region that involves empathy, understanding others, emotional regulation and positive emotions.

Compassion as a skill.

If you think it isn’t a skill you have then all is not lost. Research has shown that we can learn to become more compassionate with practice of some very simple tips, listed below.  This type of training could certainly be used to help people with social anxiety, anti-social behaviours and also in children to decrease bullying. That is very good news indeed.

Self-help to increase your compassion levels can be done in a number of ways which I’ll outline below. The starting point though always has to be learning self-compassion through meditation, deleting negative thinking, self-forgiveness before moving on to having compassion for others to name but a few.

Benefits Of Compassion

There are a number of benefits of compassion, some include:

1. Mind quietens and you receive clearer inner guidance. Your inner critic is quietened for a more positive and empathic voice. Plus you are less likely to be swayed by other’s opinions over your own opinion.
2. You begin to have a deeper relationship with yourself, as you cultivate compassion and practice self forgiveness more.
3. You feel more fulfilled as you contribute more to society in a more empathic manner.
4. Relationships improve as people see how warm, kind and loving you are. They are more attracted to your positive nature.
5. You have more resilience as you can handle problems more effectively. You can handle the emotions of the situation appropriate. Plus you are more open to learning from your mistakes.
6. You are less likely to use procrastination, catastrophising, etc., as your fear of the future, failure or success has lessened.
7. You are using good self-care practices therefore your mental and physical health improves.
8. Stress, anxiety and depression lessen.

How To Cultivate it in to your everyday life?

Cultivating compassion in to your everyday life can be learnt as I’ve said but it will take time, patience and practice. If you feel you are suffering from any mental health issues for example stress, burn-out, anxiety and depression though I’d also recommend you receive professional help as well as doing these self-help tips.

Start by practicing self-compassion.

In order to develop more compassion for others you do have to start with yourself. Using the following techniques will certainly help. But remember they are not a one off. They need to be made part of your daily life in order to be the most effective.

Start with getting your self-care right.

Yes I do know I harp on about this, but if you don’t look after your basic needs then you certainly can’t look after anyone else’s in a healthy way. You can find the basic list and discussion on the benefits of self-care here.

Build healthy boundaries with yourself.

I’m talking about setting your personal boundaries here. When we lack self-compassion we often have skewed personal and relationship boundaries.  These personal boundaries are set based on your values and morals. It involves you deciding what you participating in and who with. Learning to say no and realising no is a full statement and full sentence. No requires no explanation! As you set these boundaries it will empower you in all aspects of your life.

Practice meditation.

It really doesn’t matter which type of meditation you do. But it must be a formal practice every day and also include something like a 3 minute breather that you can use on the go during the day. You can of course incorporate exercises such as yoga, tai chi, walking meditations, etc. The choice is yours, but this will be one technique that will form the foundations of your self-compassion practice. You can learn a number of meditations on my podcast series.

Change your inner critic.

Your meditation will help you start to notice how you do self-talk. Is yours negative or more inclined to be positive. If you want to build self-compassion you really need it to be more positive. This is in fact critical to building compassion of any kind. By starting to notice how we talk to ourselves it allows us to see the patterns, the voice’s origins and also permit us to counter the negativity in our head. I’ve laid out a guide to the types of negative thinking plus 5 steps you can use to counter it here.

Be more accepting of yourself.

Learning to be more self-accepting is another foundation stone for compassion of any kind. When we truly accept ourselves we are naturally more prone to accept others. It can be hard and scary at first to let go of our masks and allow others to see the real us. But our true friends and family will support, care about and love us no matter what.

Becoming more self-accepting makes us more aware of whom we are and allows us to accept that where we are right now is okay. We stop seeking outside validation and others opinions above our own. It also allows us to ask for what we need and to develop a sense of self-belief.  I’ve listed some ways you can work on developing a better sense of self-acceptance here.

Have a daily journal and gratitude practice.

Journal are another daily vital. I’ve outlined the benefits of journaling here so do check it out before you start. Journals don’t have to be over complicated, a bullet list will do and they can be used in a multiple of ways also. I would recommend you use as follows:

1. As a nightly brain dump to get everything out of your head, this allows you to get a better night’s sleep.
2. As a record for you thought patterns. As I’ve outlined above we need to start to see the patterns of negative self-talk. Your journal is a great way to record these all in one place.
3. As a gratitude journal: This doesn’t have to be very long either, just record a minimum of 3 things you are grateful for nightly. I talk more about how impactful gratitude is for your mental health here.

Learn to manage your emotions effectively.

Dealing with emotions appropriately can be hard. The key word here is appropriate. What do I mean by this?

Well looking at how we feel can be difficult at times in our lives. We can be in denial about so much that is going on in our lives. We may not even beware of how or what we feeling. When we do start to acknowledge how we feel, it could be masking so much more going on in our lives at that moment. It can be also affected by trauma in our past which comes out in ways that have us reacting to the present moment in an exaggerated manner. In order words, we may be overreacting now because of something that happened in the past that we have not dealt with.

Learning to manage our emotions also allows us to deal with other’s emotions and not take them on. I have a variety of blogs on techniques to deal with different emotions including: anger, happiness, guilt and shame, grief, fear. My book The Building Blocks Of Self-Care also contains more information about this and includes worksheets you can us to help you self-regulate your emotions.

Practice self-forgiveness.

We are so quick to forgive others but are slow at forgiving ourselves of even the simplest of mistakes. We get caught up in being so self-critical. If you have started to notice your inner critic then the next step will be to start to forgive yourself.

Stop punishing yourself for your mistakes. Accept that you are not perfect, no one is. The techniques on self-acceptance will also help you here as it will help you to be gentler with yourself for your perceived shortcomings. Remember you are loved and valued by your real friends and family. Those that put you down need to go now as part of your new self-forgiveness strategy. I talk about deleting negative people here to help you. Be kind to yourself, set daily reminders on your phone, tablet, and computer or on sticky notes.

Learn to communicate and listen effectively.

Learning to communicate and listen effectively is a key life skill. But very few of us do this properly. It can be skill we develop but it does take practice, time and patience with yourself. But if you stick with it you will soon become very efficient at both. Honesty must be at the heart of your communication at all times. I wrote a blog on how to improve your communication ability here. But here are a couple of tips to get you started.

1. Be honest!
2. If you’re having trouble collecting your thoughts, consider writing them down ahead of time and reading them out loud to your partner.
3. Use Active Listening:  – This can be hard to learn at first but not impossible so stick with it. It involves really listening to the other person plus:

• Show your attention in a non –verbal manner plus don’t interrupt the other person.
• Do not focus on your response or defence. Listen first.
• Try to remain non-judgmental. You will get better as you learnt to accept yourself more
• Tolerate silence – as it allows you both to think before you speak.
•  Most importantly Do Not Attack.
• Use “I” or “we” statements not “you” statements – make sure you say things like “I feel… when you do or say…”. Even when we mean well, we can sometimes come across as harsh because of our word choice.

4. Reflect what the other person has to say, so you can clear up any miscommunications. You can do this by repeating a summary of what they have said to you and asking them if that was correct. Then respond to this with your opinion/side of things.

For more tips on how to develop this technique check out my blog here.

Build your support system.

Building a support system is more than the people who support you. It can also include information/resources you might need and how to access that information. It can also at times include professional support from your GP, hospital, school/college, church, and therapist.  

A strong support system will include all of these people along with family and friends. But the key to all of these people will be that they are positive in your life. No negative people allowed from now on. For more on building a support system you can read my blog here.

Learn to be compassionate with others.

There are a number of ways you can expand your self-compassion to others. These include some of the following:

Be kind without people pleasing and/or co-dependency tactics.

Practice kindness without people-pleasing or any codependency tactics is vital. This type of kindness is not kindness at all. It is a form of control, of yourself and others. Real kindness comes from a place of wholeness, where it is a blessing of receiving and giving to everyone involved. It also involves practicing forgiveness of others. Remember forgiveness only requires you and not the other person. I explain it in this blog.

Be generous in a positive way.

For generosity to be positive it has to be fair, it cannot be selfless. You cannot simply give and give and not receive also. You need to be aware of your own needs and have them met. It’s okay to give but make sure you give to yourself too. Don’t allow others to only take. You have to set healthy boundaries in all your relationships.

Act in a non-judgmental manner.

This means we need to relax our judgment of other and be more accepting of them and their lives. We learn to respect others and trust they know what is best for their life. Plus we accept that we are all human and have our own battles and daemons to face. We realize that we all make mistakes. That isn’t to say you don’t set healthy boundaries with people, you most certainly do. When we can relax our judgment and accept others we can become more compassionate for what they are going through. We can support them in a healthy manner without taking on their responsibilities to live their life their way.

Practice being empathic without taking on others suffering.

It is okay to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. But make sure you don’t become overwhelmed by their pain or other strong emotions. We need to practice being present for others, open our hearts, eyes and ears and be compassionate towards them. But make sure to set our healthy boundaries also.  

There is a big difference between listening to someone vent and taking on their negative emotions. The same goes for other’s anger. You are not a punching bag for anyone, ever!  Make sure you are not being manipulated either. This can be hard at first if you are not use to holding your boundaries steady. Especially if others are use to you doing things for them. Yes they may guilt trip you and you will get caught at first. Don’t beat yourself up for getting caught out. Know that with practice you will get better at saying no when you need to. Don’t mistake caring for someone as pity either. Yes life can be hard at times but we are all doing our best.

Build positive connections.

Making genuine positive connections is important for everyone. We need the sense of belonging and security we receive from these connections. We need to feel supported and find a common thread between the people we connect with and ourselves. To do this we need to be willing to be vulnerable but only to the right people. Deleting the negative people from our lives and building positive connections will allow us to do that. This also ties in with building a support system above.

Overall remember, you are worthy of your love, acceptance and compassion. Yes there will be bumps in the road, you will experience difficult emotions and not meet your own expectations. But during these times it is more important to stop, reassess, and forgive yourself for you are only human after all. Be grateful that you can try again and at these times it is essential you practice self-compassion even more.

I talk all things self-care in my book The Building Blocks Of Self-Care available here. It includes worksheets to help guide you through self-care, stress reduction, building trust in yourself, building healthy boundaries, etc.

Work With Me.

Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.